


Part 2: Tebanasanaide (Don’t Let Go)

by aegicheezu



Series: DEARS x TAEMINTS: a fantasy collaboration between Gackt and Taemin [2]
Category: Gackt (Musician) RPF, GacktJOB, Jrock, K-pop, Malice Mizer, SHINee
Genre: Age Difference, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Collaboration, Established JongTae, Established MinKey, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, GacktJOB - Freeform, Happy Ending, Height Differences, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Inspired by Music, Jinki has enlisted, Jonghyun Is The Moon, Jrock x Kpop, M/M, POV Alternating, Post-TSoL Era, RPF, SHINee - Freeform, Singing, Slow Burn, gackt - Freeform, jongtae - Freeform, minkey, present day, taemin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 06:07:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17299196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aegicheezu/pseuds/aegicheezu
Summary: The collaboration between Taemin and Gakuto has been going much smoother than either man had anticipated; as they prepare for their first performance, the space between them both begins to close. Will they be able to heal each other’s wounds?





	1. Oshietekudasai (Talk To Me)

**Author's Note:**

> (1) songs referenced are "Hoshi no Suna" and "Emu~For My Dear"
> 
> (2) I refer to Kami as Ukyo when Gackt talks about him, as it was his real name
> 
> (3) thank you for reading!

Tonight’s sunset over Tokyo was beautiful; the July sun was at last sinking in the sky, and the moon began its steady climb. Taemin gazed longingly out the window, eyes fixed on the soft white glow of the moon hanging in a sea of purple. He smiled, and reached for his phone. Patiently waiting for his brothers to pick up, he rested a hand against the glass of the window.

“Hey, Taeminnie,” Key’s voice was bright. “Minho’s here too, I’ll put you on speaker,” and in another moment, Minho’s shining voice called out, “Hey, Taeminnie!”

“Hey,” Taemin laughed. “I miss you two,” he said softly. “Come visit me.”

“When?” Key asked. “I’ve got filming for that new drama soon, so I don’t know when I can get away.” Taemin heard Minho playfully slap the other boy and pipe up, “ _What he means is_ , of course we’ll come to visit you, baby. Nothing is more important that our maknae’s big duet stage.”

Taemin laughed. _You’re always looking out for me._ “It’s okay. Come when you can, I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

Key chimed back in. “So, tell us! We’ve heard the stories,” Taemin could hear Key’s sly grin over the line. “What’s it like working with the Sex God of Japan? Does he come to rehearsals hungover and leave early to go on dates?” his laughter rang through Taemin’s room. “Do mobs of women follow you two everywhere?” Minho laughed and added, “Have you been recruited for his workout videos yet?”

Taemin felt his jaw clench and his back straightened. “Oh, shut up,” he replied. “Gakuto-san is… Gakuto-san is a really good man. He’s always early to rehearsals, and he’s been really kind to me since the start.” He ran a hand through his hair. “You shouldn’t speak so casually of our senior like that.”

Key could tell he’d hit a nerve, and cleared his throat. “Sorry, Taeminnie. It’s just, I’ve read lots of crazy stories about him ---”

“Well, they’re not true,” Taemin interrupted, suddenly defensive. “He’s gone through hell, you know.” He sat down on the edge of his bed.

“Taemin, what is it?” Minho asked. “Kibummie didn’t mean anything by it.” Taemin heard Minho play-hit Key again, who uttered another muffled apology.

“Everything you think you know about him, it’s all a mask,” Taemin explained, suddenly feeling protective of the older man. “When he was… when he was our age, the man he loved… he died.” The boys immediately stopped their laughing. "So, stop it." Taemin said, cheeks grown hot. 

Minho and Key felt as though they’d been rammed into a brick wall. Taemin continued, “Gakuto-san has been mourning the loss of his lover for twenty years. He was tortured by his band-mates, and denied the chance to send his lover off to heaven. He’s been alone all these years… it’s all just a façade. The Sex God thing, the vampire persona, the aloofness… it’s all just a front. To keep his heart protected. So don’t,” Taemin felt his heart race. “Please don’t tease me about him.” He felt his breath hitch. “Please… don’t tease me about a man who has been feeling the same pain as I have been feeling, for so long.”

The boys were silent for a beat longer – then, at last, Minho spoke; his voice cautious, apologetic. He said softly, “We’re sorry, Taeminnie. We had no idea.” He paused again. “Of course you two understand each other. Of course you do.”

“He took me to his grave, you know,” Taemin continued. “And when we were there, visiting with his lover, Gakuto-san prayed for Jjongie. He asked Ukyo in heaven to keep Jonghyun safe, and to keep him warm. He understands me. We can talk freely about our pain. He doesn’t talk about it with anyone, but he’s opened up to me. I don’t want to dishonour that.” 

At last, Key spoke up. “Taeminnie, it…” he paused. “I think… I think it sounds like Gakuto-san needs you just as much as you need him,” he explained. “We’re sorry about teasing him. It sounds like you two have become good friends.”

“We have,” Taemin pressed his hands to his cheeks to cool himself down. “I do want you to meet him, one day. He’s been such a great teacher. For my music, but also… for other things. I’ve learned a lot, from him. I’m really grateful he agreed to this whole thing.”

Minho’s voice was kind. “I think he’ll be a good friend to you, Taeminnie. I think you probably understand each other… better than we might, right now.”

Taemin’s heart hurt. “Hyung, that’s ---” he protested.

“No, it’s true,” Minho continued, voice soft. “Jjongie’s our brother, but… you loved each other best.”

Taemin smiled at that, looking out the window. “Have you seen the moon tonight?” he asked.

Key spoke. “He’s beautiful tonight.”

“Yeah,” Taemin agreed. “He is.”

 

*

 

T: Gakuto-san, are you awake?

G: yes, it seems I can’t sleep very well tonight.  
G: is something on your mind?

T: I can’t sleep either.  
T: could we cancel rehearsal tomorrow?

G: if you’re not feeling up for it, of course we can.  
G: what’s bothering you?  
G: we’re not pushing you too hard, are we?

T: no, it’s nothing like that.  
T: I think I just need a day off.

G: I’ll tell the others in the morning.  
G: I can recommend a doctor, if you need a massage or something to relax.

T: actually, could we meet?  
T: if it’s not too burdensome.  
T: is there somewhere we could go?  
T: you could use a day off, too.

G: sure, a day off sounds like fun.  
G: why don’t you just come to the apartment?  
G: it’s not much, but I have a good library and a full fridge.  
G: video games too, if you want.  
G: I get competitive, though.

T: I was warned about that, actually.

G: my competitiveness?

T: Rino-san told me about the DDR incident.

G: damn.  
G: I didn’t know she knew about that.

 

T: our leader, Jinki-hyung, gets competitive like that.  
T: absolutely hates to lose.  
T: once, he literally flipped our coffee table.

G: remind me never to play against your leader, then.

T: he says hello, by the way.  
T: and he received the care-package you sent, he’s very grateful.  
T: that was really kind of you, I didn’t know you sent him something.

G: it was nothing, really.  
G: I wanted to introduce myself properly.  
G: and to reassure him that his youngest was being well looked after while he’s away.

T: he’s very protective of me.  
T: he told me to tell you that if you make me overwork myself, you’ll have an enemy for life.  
T: …he’s just joking.

G: oh, no.  
G: I believe it.  
G: I’ve been catching up on video clips, your members love you very much.  
G: it’s funny. When you’re solo, you act so differently to when you’re five.  
G: you all treasure each other so much.  
G: it’s really nice.

T: we grew up together, after all.  
T: there isn’t anything any of us wouldn’t do for each other.  
T: we’ve gotten into lots of trouble because of it, actually.  
T: our managers have some really good stories.

G: I look forward to hearing more of your stories tomorrow.  
G: I’ll text you the address.  
G: try to get some sleep now, alright?

T: thanks.  
T: you too, right?

G: no promises.

T: goodnight, Gakuto-san.

G: goodnight, Taemin.

 

*

 

The next day, Taemin awoke with a faint headache from having stayed up later than usual. He stretched and showered, and was almost out the door when he remembered the bottles of soju in the refrigerator. _I shouldn’t go to someone’s house empty-handed_ , he reminded himself. Once he collected a few bottles, he made his way through the hotel and out the door. The journey to the older man’s apartment was an easy one; he decided to chance it and get there on his own, and he was glad for the quiet solitude and anonymity. The summer sun was hot on his face, and he liked it. At last reaching the address, he produced his phone from his pocket.

T: Gakuto-san, I’m here.

Taemin waited patiently for the older man to let him in, and soon enough, he heard a little buzzer that signalled the door unlocking. He let himself in and found Gakuto on the other side, arms open. “Come in, come in,” the older man ushered him inside. Pressing a gentle hand into the small of Taemin’s back, Gakuto led him into the apartment.

Taemin slipped off his shoes, and, looking around, chuckled softly.

“Hmm?” Gakuto wondered.

“Don’t laugh at me,” Taemin grinned, “but I was expecting your place to be much darker.”

“Darker?” Gakuto questioned. “What, with candles and black walls?” he laughed. “Why ever would you have pictured that?” he ushered Taemin through and pointed out where the washroom was, should he need it. “Have a seat, I’ll get some snacks,” Gakuto motioned for Taemin to make himself comfortable.

“I saw a couple interviews from years ago,” Taemin explained, voice towards the kitchen, “you often talked about keeping your rooms dark, and I guess I just pictured this sort of… gothic, romantic setting,” he laughed. “Seems silly, now,” he looked around at the white walls, covered in posters and photos, guitars mounted around the room.

Gakuto emerged from the kitchen with a handful of snacks and a fruit juice for the younger man, who took it, smiling. “I just made all that up,” he sat back on the couch, stretching his arms over his head and cracking his shoulders. “I was young, and the mysterious thing worked for me. Fans ate it up. My manager really wanted to push the whole “dark prince” thing, you know?” he laughed, running a hand through his hair. “It all seems so stupid, now.”

“Stupid?” Taemin questioned, taking a sip of the juice.

“I was young, and didn’t really know how to stand up for myself. After all, Ukyo had always been there for me to speak up when something wasn’t going how it should. But… when I went solo, and he passed away, I didn’t really have anyone to help me,” Gakuto explained. “So I just went along with what the fans wanted me to be.”

“But what about Chacha-san? And You-san? They’ve been with you since you went solo, you said so yourself.” 

“Chacha’s a little older than me; he knew better. He always told me just to ride out the trends, to play the long game with our manager. He was right; eventually, when we were popular enough and more people wanted us, we had the power to leave our management and go off on our own. He’s always been a very valued counsel for me. I love him like an older brother.” Gakuto smiled as he spoke, lolling his head on the back of the sofa.

Taemin nodded along and followed suit, resting his head against the cool, soft leather. “Gakuto-san, tell me a story.”

“A story?” Gakuto turned his head to look at the younger man. “What kind of story?”

Taemin thought a moment. “Tell me a story about your most treasured memory as a soloist, the most memorable performance you’ve ever had.”

Gakuto thought for a moment before smiling, a grin slowly curling across his face and showing off his pretty teeth. “Alright,” he said, eyes twinkling at the memory. “I have just the story.”


	2. Kowareta Kamen (Broken Mask)

The day before, spent with Taemin and swapping war stories of crazy fans, wild concepts, and performance mishaps had made Gakuto think back fondly on his career – something, if he were honest, he didn’t often do. As he grew older, he looked back at his life with a sort of careful moroseness; almost cursing the fact of his popularity. But yesterday, he was challenged by this young man to think of his life, and smile. And he was glad for the company.

C: Gacchan, do you want to work out before rehearsal today? We skipped yesterday.  
C: did you have a restful day off?

Gakuto smiled at his phone. _I did, actually_.

G: it turns out, I really did need a day away from things.  
G: to reset perspective, you know?  
G: let’s not work out today, I have breakfast plans.

C: with the kid?  
C: you’re getting soft, Gacchan.  
C: it’s cute.

Gakuto laughed. _You’re probably right. I’m getting soft_. He looked at himself in the mirror and scrolled through his music library before selecting one of Taemin’s new songs to sing along to as he got ready for the day.

 

*

 

“Gakuto-san!” Taemin called softly, a wide smile on his face, waving him over to where he sat. He’d arrived first, and reserved a table for them at the office café. Gakuto quickened his pace a little to meet him there, and smiled hello.

“Morning,” he greeted the young man. “Did you sleep better, last night?” he asked, eyes betraying concern. “If our schedules are too much, you’ll tell me, won’t you?” He eyed the tray of croissants and pain au chocolate that Taemin had already bought for their breakfast, and took one. “You didn’t have to get breakfast,” he smiled. “Thank you.”

Taemin shook his head. “It’s nothing,” he replied. “You had me over at your place all day yesterday, it’s the least I could do.” He looked down at the food and selected a pastry for himself, and slid a coffee towards the older man. “I guessed your coffee order, I hope it’s alright.” He watched intently as Gakuto took a sip and smiled against the cup, and he was relieved to see that he’d guessed correctly.

After a long, satisfied sip of coffee, Gakuto smiled and said playfully, “You know, yesterday you asked me so many questions about my music. It’s your turn now,” he grinned, like a child who wants to win a game. “You and your group go through so many looks, you must have a favourite, after over ten years together.”

Taemin laughed. “You want me to pick my favorite concept?” He cocked his head cutely. “That’s too difficult! We change our look a lot.” Not wanting to disappoint the older man, he thought for a moment. “I don’t just have one favorite, but…” he began to search through photos on his phone for examples, and leaned in over the table to show Gakuto, who mirrored his body and hunched in closer to better see the phone. “I really liked our styling for our Lucifer and Sherlock eras,” he explained, swiping through a few photos, some selfies and some group shots of the boys in their stage and music video outfits, beaming smiles like shining buddhas. Taemin looked at the older man for his reaction, and was surprised by the softness in his eyes. “Gakuto-san?” he wondered aloud. “Did I really look that strange?” Taemin laughed a little, the photos bringing back happy memories.

“No, not at all. You looked… really pretty,” he cleared his throat and sat back in his chair; Taemin followed suit and sipped his coffee. “With your long hair and makeup, you… you reminded me of him, just then. Sorry,” he smiled, but his voice was small, apologetic.

Taemin looked at the photo again. “Gakuto-san, I… I’m sorry,” he replied weakly.

“Don’t be sorry, please,” Gakuto reached out and patted the young man’s hand, and rested it there a moment. “Look how happy you all are in those photos, smiling so brightly. I can see why you loved that time best.” He slid the pastries closer to Taemin and nodded; Taemin took another croissant for his plate.

“Gakuto-san…” Taemin’s heartbeat quickened a little at the small kindness. “I ---”

He was interrupted by two familiar faces, sneaking up behind Gakuto. Chacha put a finger to his lips as You covered Gakuto’s eyes playfully. “Guess who,” his sweet voice instantly recognizable to the older man, who took You’s hands in his and caressed the soft skin with his thumbs.

“Ah!” he exclaimed, playing along. “I’d know that voice anywhere. Manager, is that you?” he teased, turning to greet the others.

Laughter.

 

*

 

“Let’s run through _Kimi no Tame Ni Dekiru Koto_ again, if that’s okay? I’d like to practice it until I get it just right. It’s such a beautiful song,” Taemin asked, still a little uncomfortable giving instruction to a group of men many years his senior. “Gakuto-san, what do you think?” He turned to him, eyes bright.

“Sounds good,” Chacha said, nodding to You; they slipped their guitars over their shoulders, ready to begin.

Then, Gakuto raised a gentle hand. “Actually, I have something else in mind.” He looked at the group and said after a moment, “I want to prepare a duet of _Emu_ ,” he looked toward Taemin. “You know that one, don’t you?”

Taemin nodded, but felt a little uneasy. “I do, but…” He looked at the older man with unsure eyes. “Gakuto-san, is it really… is it really alright if I sing that with you?” He looked toward Chacha and You for guidance, but their faces were just as cautiously confused as his own.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while,” Gakuto admitted. “And I think, if anyone is to share those lyrics with me, it should be you.” He reached out and squeezed Taemin’s hand. “It’s alright.” He looked at the young man’s unsure eyes. “If you’d rather not, I understand,” he smiled warmly. “So please, tell me.”

Taemin felt a warmth radiating from where Gakuto touched him, and he suddenly felt the urge to fling his arms around him in an embrace. His heart felt like bursting in that moment; but he kept his face calm. “If you say it’s alright, then…” he looked Gakuto in the eye. “Let’s do it,” he agreed.

Chacha’s eyes softened. _Are you sure about this, Gacchan?_ He wondered. He watched Gakuto lead Taemin into the booth, and nodded his head, satisfied. _You’ve never let anyone else even come near this song, in twenty years. I’m proud of you._

Once they were ready, Chacha and You started to play. When it was time, Gakuto and Taemin joined in, singing together.

 

_The joy from my heart at our sudden meeting says_

_"Maybe it'll be over before I know it..." those forebodings scare me_

_And then I was gazing into your eyes_

_Without understanding anything_

_They're not forever changing, so how many phantoms_

_Like memories and dreams, could you file away_

_And now I gazed into your eyes_

_Without changing anything_

_If I stretch out my hand, the smile I reach is fleeting_

_If I close my eyes, I want to hold_

_Your vanishing body once more in my arms_

_Because I can't forget that time, that place where we met..._

_Dancing in the breeze, your body_

_Was being enveloped in light_

_I was only watching you_

_I was forever gazing into your eyes_

_Even now I watch only you_

_Without changing anything_

_If I stretch out my hand, the smile I reach is pained_

_If I close my eyes, I want to hold_

_Your vanishing body once more in my dreams_

_Because I can't forget that time, that place where we met..._

_Because I can't forget..._

 

Gakuto opened his eyes to see Taemin standing next to him, cheeks stained with tears steadily running. His heart dropped; quickly, he turned to the young man and rested a supportive hand on the back of his neck, saying nothing, but rubbing soothing circles on the skin with his thumb.

“Gakuto-san…” Taemin looked him in the eye at last. “I’m sorry, I…” he moved to wipe away his tears, but Gakuto raised a gentle hand to his face and did it for him.

Gakuto shook his head. “That was beautiful,” he replied softly. “I’ve never heard anyone else sing this song,” nodding, he cradled Taemin’s cheek in his hand. “Thank you.” Taemin’s eyes still glistened with tears that hadn’t fallen, but he looked into Gakuto’s eyes and saw a hundred different feelings, and he understood them all. Taemin reached out and clutched at the older man's shirt, as if steadying himself. 

Chacha and You looked on, silently. You wiped his own tears away with the back of his hand. _After twenty years, this song might finally begin to heal you, Gacchan_.  _I’m so glad_. He turned to Chacha, and shared a knowing smile.


	3. Kodokuna Dansei (A Solitary Man)

The rehearsal space had become so familiar to Taemin that he at last began to let his guard down and relax, sitting casually on the floor and stretching while waiting for the others to join him. Today, he arrived earlier than planned; he decided to practice _Drip Drop_ at least once before the other men arrived. Setting the volume high, he closed his eyes and began to dance – he always practiced with his eyes closed; that way, he reasoned, he could feel the slightest changes in balance and not be distracted by his surroundings. 

Taemin began to dance, and his head swam with thoughts that he'd been trying to keep at bay for some time - he saw Gakuto's pretty, toothy grin and soft eyes watching him as they sang their songs together, and his heart began to hurt. He remembered the older man's hand cradling his cheek and wiping tears away; he remembered the sweet scent of white flowers at Kami's grave, the men holding each other and listening to the other breathe in the stillness of the cemetery. _Why does my heart call out to you, so?_ Taemin asked himself. _Why can't I get you out of my head...? Why do you come to me in my dreams, now?_

As he spun and leapt about, listening intently to the music, his own voice flooding the space, he did not notice nor hear the door opening. Gakuto stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame, unwilling to interrupt his young charge’s practice. As he watched, a smile grew across his face. _How beautiful he is, when he thinks he is alone_ , he mused. _How many people get to see these quiet moments of his, I wonder?_ He remained motionless, worried that even the slightest creak of the floorboards might alert Taemin to his presence; and he did not want to disturb the dancer. At last though, the song concluded, and Taemin struck his finishing pose. Gakuto applauded softly as Taemin opened his eyes, startled.

“Gakuto-san!” Taemin was a little flustered. “I – how – how long have you been there?” He wiped his face gracelessly with a towel and bounced over, bending his head in greeting. “You should have stopped me,” he smiled. “Sorry, I was practicing.”

Gakuto shook his head no, smiling. “I didn’t want to interrupt you,” he explained. “Seeing you dance, it’s really a marvel,” he complimented. “I don’t think I’ll ever tire of it.” They sat on the floor together, leaning against the wall. Gakuto offered Taemin some cold water as he caught his breath. 

“Would you like to dance with me?” Taemin turned to him, eyes bright.

Gakuto looked at him, a little confused; he replied, flustered, “dance with you?”

“Oh!” Taemin’s mouth was round. “I meant for a song,” he explained, running a hand through his hair, embarrassed at what the older man must have thought. “It might add to the drama of the songs if you danced alongside me,” he continued. “What do you think?”

Gakuto’s face relaxed, a little relieved. “Ah, I’m not sure,” he smiled, tapping his head against the wall, pretending to think. “I’ve been in this business for twice as long as you have, but I was never trained as a dancer,” he laughed. “I think perhaps I’m too old to learn now,” he nudged shoulders with the young man. “I’m afraid I dance like a loose electric wire. When I was coming up in the world, our image was all makeup and hairpieces and crinoline dresses, not how we used the stage.”

“I’ve seen the photos,” Taemin nodded, agreeing. “Though, Gakuto-san, you looked so beautiful with a full face of makeup,” he mused, hitching his knees up to his chest. “I really admired the whole Victorian-Vampire aesthetic that you and so many other bands used. I thought it was really something.”

“Well, thank goodness we’ve grown out of that, now,” Gakuto winked, ruffling the young man's hair and bumping his shoulder.

The men turned to each other and shared quiet, kind laughter.

 

**_= CHACHA AND YOU =_ **

 

Sometime later, Chacha and You excused themselves for a smoke break and left Gakuto and Taemin alone in the studio, the young man trying – and failing, but still enjoying – to teach their bandmate the choreography to one of SHINee’s first hits, _Hello_. Laughing, they’d excused themselves and slipped outside into the alleyway, and shared a cigarette.

“So,” You took a drag and handed the cigarette to Chacha. “It’s going well, don’t you think?” he leaned against the brick wall, feeling the heat of the mid-day sun on his face.

“Mmm,” Chacha replied, non-committal. “Our Gacchan seems to have really thrown himself into this project.” He took a long drag of the cigarette and flicked the ashes away.

“Chacha, what aren’t you telling me?” You wondered, smirking. He took the cigarette from the older man once again. “Are you jealous?”

“Tch. No, of course not,” he smiled. “I’m too old to be jealous. I’m happy, actually,” he explained, lighting another cigarette. “I haven’t seen Gacchan this excited about anything in such a long time.”

“I think the kid brings out something good in him,” You added. “He keeps us all on our toes, that’s for sure.” He looked at Chacha again. “It’s good to see the boss laughing like that.”

“I just hope he doesn’t get his heart broken,” Chacha’s voice was soft.

“His heart broken?” You questioned. “How so?”

Chacha laughed, and ruffled You’s hair. “Do you really not see what’s going on?” You shook his head. “Gacchan and that pretty young man…” he took another drag of his cigarette, and playfully batted You’s hand away when he reached for it. “They’re falling for each other.”

“Surely you can’t be serious,” You scoffed. “Lee Taemin is the same age we were when we were just starting out!” He looked at Chacha for any sign that he might be joking, but Chacha just smiled.

“That boy has something that Gacchan has been missing, all these years,” Chacha explained. “Something that we could never have given him.”

“What could that possibly be?” You wondered, still trying to process Chacha’s prediction. “What could this kid possibly have, that we never did?”

Chacha smiled, pinching You’s cheek softly; his eyes suddenly turned sad. “That boy has felt the same pain as Gacchan. Even though we’ve been by his side since Kami died, of course we could never understand what it’s really like; for years, Gacchan has been stuck – frozen in time. And along comes this beautiful boy, reminding him of what it’s like to be young and hungry. And this boy… his heart is the same. He’s felt the same heartbreak. They have the same wounds; and now, they’ve found each other. Who knows? Maybe it’s what their angels in heaven want. For them to heal each other.”

You nodded, finally understanding. “I hope you’re right,” he took the cigarette from the older man and took one last drag before putting it out against the wall. “He’s been so much happier, lately.”

 

**_= GAKUTO AND TAEMIN =_ **

 

The rehearsal space was filled with laughter; Gakuto kept one hand wrapped gently around Taemin’s waist as he attempted to learn a few basic moves, and Taemin tried his best not to topple them both over. “Like this,” he showed the movements once more, and Gakuto attempted to copy them; “no, no,” he shook his head, giggling like a child. “Like _this_ ,” he held the older man’s extended arm, moving it into place. “I have a sneaking suspicion you’re just pretending to be a poor dancer, Gakuto-san,” he grinned slyly.

“No, I really am this bad!” Gakuto laughed, pulling them both to the floor in a fit of laughter. “It’s useless to try and teach me how you dance,” he admitted, breathless. He playfully nudged the young man. “Besides, I’d so much rather just watch you.” He smiled his beautiful grin and looked Taemin in the eye. “You’re so pretty when you dance.”

Taemin felt a rising blush begin to bloom in his cheeks at the praise. “You’re too kind to me, Gakuto-san,” Taemin mumbled, averting his eyes. He suddenly felt very aware of the other man’s stare; but he wasn’t quite sure how it made him feel.

Gakuto stood to retrieve a bottle of water for Taemin, who took it and drank obediently. “Would you mind running through _Hoshi No Suna_ with me once more?” he asked, extending a hand to help Taemin up. “Would you consider adding a solo dance break in the middle of the song? There’s an instrumental element that we could extend, to give you more movement, if you’re up for it.”

Taemin thought a moment. “I think that would suit the song really well, actually. I’d love to give it a try,” he smiled up at the older man. “I’ve always treasured that song.”

“Really?” Gakuto seemed surprised. “Why is that?” He was touched by the young man’s gentle praise.

“I always thought, above all others, this song showed off the richness of your voice,” he replied honestly. “And the piano is beautiful.”

Gakuto patted Taemin’s shoulder. “Let’s give it a try,” he produced his phone from his pocket and readied the music. “No live piano today though, I’m afraid.”

The men shared a smile, and began. Standing together, facing each other, they sang the familiar words.

 

_Amid a stillness profound as death..._

_enshrouded in the sky and the sun that burns the flesh,_

_you are vanishing as you go._

_What is it that I seek amid this wandering? What for myself, all alone--_

_Even if you despise yourself from within the depths of frigid eyes_

_still clutching at the hatred,_

_the pain will not, cannot be stifled._

_Embracing that eternally living sorrow,_

_I cannot help still remembering_

_that vanished person whom once you were,_

_and my unwavering, unchangeable feelings toward you:_

_So deeply, so very deeply, even now..._

_yes... I love you still._

 

As they sang, Gakuto noticed Taemin’s body begin to move to the music; the men shared a glance, and Gakuto nodded. As he continued to sing, Taemin stopped, and began to dance instead. Gakuto, mesmerised, could not take his eyes off of him.

 

_Illumined by the moonlight, even the feel of your name,_

_hummed beneath my breath,_

_is snatched away and extinguished by the wind._

_I kept singing that song for you,_

_the one you taught me as you smiled at the dawn;_

_and I kept on counting the tears that returned to the starry sky;_

_again and again and yet again, the nights merely repeated themselves--_

_ah, so deeply, so very deeply, even now..._

_yes... I love you still._

  

As Gakuto sang the final words, Taemin resumed his place next to the older man and closed his eyes, listening to the notes in the air. When Taemin opened his eyes again, he found Gakuto staring, a hand over his mouth. “Gakuto-san…?” Taemin questioned. “Did I... did I do it wrong?” his voice was small.

“No... no," Gakuto waved a hand in protest. "That was... how can you… _how_ do you do that?” he ran both hands through his hair, stunned. “How can you dance as though… as though you’ve been overcome with his spirit?” he looked towards Taemin for an answer.

Taemin turned to him and wiped his brow, eyes glistening. “I don’t know,” he replied honestly. “But… my heart feels broken when I listen to the song. Your voice is so beautiful... my body just… my body feels broken, too.” He didn’t quite know how else to explain it; the song itself was explanation enough, he thought. He instinctively reached out and took the older man's hand, and stroked the smooth skin with his thumb, squeezing supportively. "I'm sorry I've made you think of such sad things, Gakuto-san," he said after a moment. 

Gakuto cocked his head, taking in the other man’s words; he nodded, stepping a little closer. Taemin allowed himself to be gently pulled in close by the older man. “Gakuto-san…?” his voice was soft. He sighed as Gakuto gently encircled him and held him close.

“Thank you,” the older man said at last. “Thank you for understanding my heart so well.” He gently curled his fingers through Taemin’s hair.

Taemin closed his eyes, a faint smile on his lips as he breathed in the sweet scent of Gakuto’s cologne. _Thank you for understanding mine, too._ He slowly wrapped his arms around the older man’s waist, and they stood like that together for a moment, just breathing.

 

*

 

Later that night, alone in his hotel room, Taemin could not sleep. Flipping onto his side for what seemed like the hundredth time in a few hours, he was interrupted by a phone call.

“Hello?” his voice raspy from fatigue.

“Taeminnie,” Jinki’s warm, honey voice rang clearly in his ears. Taemin immediately sat up in bed, all feelings of exhaustion melted away.

“Jinki-hyung! I’ve missed you so…” Taemin felt like crying from happiness. “How are you? Are you alright?”

Jinki’s gentle laughter put him at ease. “Of course I’m alright, Taeminnie. I just wanted to call you to check up on your big project,” he could hear the older man’s smile through the phone line. “So, tell me all about it. Is Gakuto taking care of you?”

Taemin’s cheeks felt warm at the mention of his name. “Gakuto-san is… yeah,” he confirmed. “He’s great. You’d like him a lot, I think. He says that he hopes to challenge you to a DDR tournament once you’re back home.”

Laughter.

Taemin caught Jinki  up on his project, only too happy to share stories with his beloved leader. When there was a little lull in the conversation, Jinki said after a while, “what’s on your mind, baby?”

“Hmm?” Taemin asked, confused. “What do you mean?”

“You’re not telling me something,” Jinki explained lovingly. “I can always tell when you’re holding back, even when we’re miles and miles apart.”

Taemin smiled. “That’s true, isn’t it,” he mused. “Actually, Jinki-hyung… there is something about Gakuto-san that I haven’t talked to you about. Gakuto-san, he…” Taemin wondered how to explain things. “Remember, years and years ago, when you listened to his music for the first time with me, on the rooftop?”

“Yeah, I do,” Jinki replied. 

“You told me that you thought his voice was beautiful,” Taemin continued. “But that his lyrics were so very sad.”

“I remember,” Jinki confirmed. “Did you ever find out why?”

Taemin’s heart began to beat faster. “I did,” he explained. “Gakuto-san writes such sad songs… because the man he loved died when they were our age.”

“Oh…” Jinki’s voice shook. “Oh, Taeminnie.”

“He has been writing music for him ever since,” Taemin continued. “Because he was never able to say goodbye.” 

“I think I finally understand, now,” Jinki replied. “I understand why he has become so very precious to you.”

Taemin was confused. “Precious to me, hyung?”

“I think perhaps this collaboration will be good for the both of you,” Jinki continued, not answering Taemin’s question. “Gakuto-san clearly sees something of himself in you; that he agreed to this project in the first place confirms it. But this… both of you having endured the same pain, it’s… it’s remarkable.”

“Jinki-hyung, what do you mean?”

Jinki pressed on. “Perhaps, if you let him… your own heart will be healed, if you let him into yours.” He paused. “That he still smiles and makes music, and is so beloved, even after enduring a wound like that? It must give you peace, Taeminnie.” He added softly, lovingly, “Gakuto-san himself is proof… that it’s alright to go on living. I know it’s what Jonghyun wants for you, too.”

Taemin smiled a little at that. “How can you know so much about it, Jinki-hyung? You’re not even here with me.” He stood by the window and gazed at the moon hanging in the pitch-black sky. “How can you know my own heart so well, when I can’t even make sense of it?”

“Because I love you, Taeminnie,” Jinki laughed. “All five of us, we know each other better than anyone else in this world. And I know what else is on your mind, too, my precious maknae.”

Taemin’s heart stopped. _What else is… on my mind?_ “What do you mean, Jinki-hyung?” he asked, cautiously. _How can he see through me like that?_

“You like him, don’t you?” Jinki asked quietly. “You like him… and you’re worried about hurting Jjongie.” Taemin’s heart dropped. _How could you have picked that up, miles and miles away from me?_

“Jinki-hyung… I don’t know what to do.” He ran a hand through his hair, and sighed, almost relieved that someone had spoken the words aloud for him. “Something in my heart keeps calling out to me… that I’m supposed to be close to him. But I…” he looked out the window at the moon, its sharp, glowing crescent cutting through the black sky. “Jonghyun might never forgive me.” He pressed his forehead to the glass. “But Gakuto-san is… there is just something about him that demands room in my heart.” He hesitated before adding, "Jinki-hyung... Gakuto-san has been alone for so long. That kind of love... how can I live with myself if I'm drawn to another man after Jonghyun? Gakuto-san has been alone for twenty years, refusing to love another. What does that make me? How could I allow my heart to feel these things for someone else?"

“Taeminnie,” Jinki sighed, and Taemin could hear his leader’s warm smile as he spoke softly. “Jjongie would not want you to be in such pain. He’s been watching over you all this time.”

“But…” Taemin interjected. “But how can I…?” 

Jinki thought a moment before replying. “I think it’s best if you ask Gakuto-san that question. He has been mourning for twenty years now. Surely, he understands your heart in a way that none of us can, right now." 

Taemin smiled a little. “You’ll always be the one who understands my heart best, Jinki-hyung.”

Jinki laughed softly. “I miss you, Taeminnie,” he sighed a little. “I can’t wait to see you again.”

“I’m counting down the days,” Taemin replied. “I love you, Jinki-hyung.”

“I love you more, Taeminnie.”


	4. Otogai o Naosu (We Can Heal Each Other)

At last, production had wrapped up on Taemin and Gakuto’s duet album project; all that was left was to rehearse for their upcoming live show at the end of the month; to celebrate, the four men went drinking.

Sneaking into a local live house wearing ball caps, sunglasses, and masks for anonymity, the four men huddled together towards the back, standing at a table, drinking and laughing, commenting on the various acts that played on stage.

“Remember when we used to do that?” You grinned, nudging Gakuto playfully in the ribs. He turned to Taemin, explaining, “we’d get fantastically drunk beforehand,” he reminisced. “That usually handled the nerves pretty well,” he ruffled Taemin’s hair. “What do you boys do before a big performance? Any rituals?”

Taemin took a sip of beer and thought a moment. “Nothing as fun as getting drunk before a show,” he admitted. “We started so young,” he smiled. “We just hold hands and pray a little, and we have a special battle-cry.”

“Oh?” Chacha leaned in, grinning. “What’s that?”

Taemin blushed a little. “Promise not to laugh,” he pouted cutely. “We stack hands and chant, ‘ _SHINee forever_!’ and jump up and down.”

“That’s adorable,” You cocked his head and turned to Gakuto, whining playfully. “Why didn’t we ever do something cute like that, boss?”

“Don’t look at me!” Gakuto playfully whacked You’s shoulder. “If you want a cute battle-cry, let’s make one up!”

“We’re too old for it now!” You shot back, puffing his cheeks out. “Ah, we really missed out!” He threw his head back dramatically.

Laughter.

 

*

 

After a while, the men left through the side exit and spilled into the alleyway. Gakuto, Chacha, and You shared a cigarette while Taemin stood apart a little and gazed up at the moon through the clouds. Gakuto peeled off from the other two and stood closer to Taemin, bumping his shoulder.

“What are you looking for?” he asked kindly, pinching Taemin's cheek lovingly.

“Oh,” Taemin was caught off guard by the question. “I… I always watch the moon, these days,” he explained. “It makes me feel safe.”

Gakuto nodded. “The moon is beautiful tonight, isn’t it?” He looked up, too.

“Yeah,” Taemin agreed. “He is.”

“He…?” Gakuto asked, voice just above a whisper. Taemin met his gaze, and in that moment, he understood.

Oblivious to their conversation, You wondered aloud, “where should we go next? Gacchan?” he turned to Gakuto, who gave them a look. As if able to read his mind, Chacha spoke up. “Actually, I’m exhausted,” he said. “I’m not sure I could handle a night of bar-hopping.”

“Oh,” You picked up the thread. “Share a cab with me then,” he smiled. “You two gonna head somewhere else?”

Gakuto and Taemin looked at each other, and shrugged. “Yeah,” Gakuto said. “I know just the place.”

 

*

 

“Ah! We’re back here!” Taemin recognized the wine bar from weeks earlier. “I’d been wanting to return here,” he smiled as Gakuto led him through the door.

“I wondered if you wanted to meet another very dear friend of mine,” Gakuto mused. “He loves this place, too. We’ve been drinking here for years.”

“Who?” Taemin wondered aloud as they sat together in one of the booths towards the back – even though there was no one else in the bar, save for the attendant who quickly brought a favorite bottle. 

Gakuto’s eyes wandered toward the door, and Taemin followed his gaze. “There he is now,” he grinned, standing in greeting. “Yo-chan,” he slid out from the booth and embraced the other man. “This is Yoshiki,” he introduced them. “Yo-chan, this is Lee Taemin.”

Taemin stood and greeted the older man, bowing his head and smiling brightly. “It’s such an honour to meet you!” he beamed. “I’ve practiced dancing to your classical work!”

“Have you, now?” Yoshiki laughed, voice like a glass windchime. “I’d love to see that, someday.” He turned to the other man. “Gacchan, you never told me how pretty he was in person!” they laughed together and sat back down, the attendant bringing over a third glass for Yoshiki.

The time passed quickly between the men; Yoshiki continuing to lavish praise on the young man, complimenting his popularity in Japan and gushing about his recent concerts at the Dome. “I’ve not seen lines that long since we played Zepp Tokyo back in the 90s,” he smiled lovingly. “You’ve really made the country fall in love with you.”

Taemin blushed, patting his cheeks. “Yoshiki-san, coming from you, that’s… that’s too much praise. I’m not worth that,” he smiled modestly. “It’s thanks to my members that I ever grew confident enough to even consider going solo.”

Gakuto squeezed Taemin’s hand next to him supportively. “He’s too modest, Yo-chan,” he beamed. “I’ve been so spoiled by his live rehearsals, it’s been such fun these last few weeks.”

Yoshiki’s eyes softened, observing how the two men seemed to shine like benevolent spirits, praising each other’s virtues. “I have to thank you, Taemin,” he said at last, clinking their glasses together.

“What for, Yoshiki-san?” Taemin was surprised.

“For taking such good care of my Gacchan,” he grinned, leaning in. He affected a stage-whisper, and continued, teasing, “you’ve kept him on his toes, and he’s needed it,” Yoshiki winked at the young man and leaned back against the plush booth. “But honestly, I really do have to thank you. I’ve not seen him so happy… in a long while.”

Taemin blushed, thoughtful. _Everyone keeps saying that… have I really changed him, that much?_ “It’s me who should be thankful, Yoshiki-san,” Taemin insisted. “I’ve said it before many times now, but this whole thing has been such a dream of mine.” He beamed at the two older men, who looked on lovingly. “Ah,” his phone began to ring; it was Key. “Please, excuse me! It’s my brother.” Taemin slid out of the booth and took the call outside; within moments, the older men heard his bright laugher ring in the empty street, making Gakuto smile.

Alone at last, at least for the moment, Yoshiki spoke up. “I haven’t seen you smile like that in quite a while, Gacchan,” he sipped his wine. “I knew working with him would be good for you.”

“He’s a good kid,” Gakuto admitted, smiling. “I was wrong to have ever judged him so harshly, before ever even meeting him. I didn’t know… I didn’t know then how precious to me he would become.”

Yoshiki smiled and rested a hand on Gakuto’s across the table. “Perhaps you should tell him that yourself, Gacchan. What’s the use of keeping these things between us two old men?”

Gakuto nodded, fighting a rising blush. “I know, Yo-chan. I know you’re right.” The pair drank in comfortable silence as they waited for Taemin to return; in a few moments, the young man came back, smiling from ear to ear.

“Good news?” Yoshiki asked, refilling Taemin’s glass.

Taemin slipped back into the booth, thigh comfortably flush against Gakuto’s. “Very,” he grinned, practically vibrating from excitement. “My brothers – my members – they’re going to be able to attend our performance! They were able to free up their filming schedules just for me.”

Gakuto smiled and wrapped a supportive arm carefully around Taemin’s shoulder. “That’s great,” he replied. “Let’s make them proud.” Taemin looked up into Gakuto’s eyes and nodded enthusiastically. 

Yoshiki, watching the two of them, felt a warmth in his chest, and his smile grew. “Let’s have one more drink,” he said, filling Gakuto’s glass and then his own. “But after that, I must go. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment tomorrow for my wrist and neck,” he waved a gentle hand in Taemin’s direction when he saw the worried look on the young man’s face. “It’s just routine, don’t worry. But I probably should not have gone drinking,” he pressed a finger to his lips and winked. “It’ll be our secret.”

Laughter, and the clinking of glasses.

 

*

 

The night was still relatively young, even after Gakuto and Taemin parted ways with Yoshiki; so, it was decided that they would continue celebrating back at the apartment. Gakuto left Taemin to get comfortable in the living room while he put together some drinks and snacks in the kitchen; when he emerged, hands full, he saw Taemin staring longingly at a photo on the wall of he and Kami from years and years ago, their arms wrapped around each other, smiling.

“That was taken after our first big show,” Gakuto explained, his voice soft. Setting the drinks and snacks down on the table, he motioned for Taemin to join him on the sofa and cracked open a beer for them both. “We were already in love, by then.” 

“You can tell,” Taemin smiled. “You have such a sparkle in your eye.” Taemin clinked his beer against Gakuto’s, and they drank. “Gakuto-san, tell me a story about the two of you,” Taemin said after a while, head lolled on the sofa. “What is something you loved most about him?”

Gakuto thought for a moment, and smiled. “Ukyo would always protect me,” he said, lovingly. “He always made sure I ate well, and that the other members didn’t torture me too much.” The older man smiled his beautiful, toothy smile and ran a hand through his hair. “He used to threaten them, ‘If you kick him out, then I’m leaving too!’ and it somehow kept them from firing me. I tried so hard to be accepted by them, but… it just didn’t work out.”

“Was it really that bad, Gakuto-san?” Taemin wondered.

“It could get pretty rough,” Gakuto explained. “Mana was very protective of the band as an idea. He was superstitious, and very controlling of our image. He never really accepted me as the new vocalist after Tetsu left. None of them did, really. It was Ukyo that found me; I was just a hungry kid with a gaudy stage name back then, and he saw me perform at a live-house one night. And that was that; that’s how our story began.” He turned to Taemin. “Don’t you have stories about fights with your members?” He patted the young man’s thigh. “I can’t believe you’ve never had any drama.” 

Taemin nodded along. “No, nothing ever as intense as that.” He smiled, leaning against the older man a little as he spoke. “Sure, when we were younger and still growing, we would fight over things like closet space or the food in the fridge, but… I can’t imagine not liking my members. We grew up together, literally,” he explained. “We slept on the floor of our practice room, rehearsed day and night before our company debuted us. We loved each other from the first day we met,” he smiled at the memory.

Gakuto looked at Taemin, studying his profile. “How beautiful,” he replied, “how beautiful that you all found each other.”

“Yeah,” Taemin agreed, taking a long drink of his beer before setting the empty can on the table. He gently rested his head against Gakuto’s shoulder, tracing lines up and down his arm. 

Gakuto was touched by the young man’s unconscious gesture. “Taemin,” he said softly, feeling the weight of the young man’s name on his tongue. “Yo-chan reminded me, earlier tonight,” Taemin looked up at him through long lashes with a puzzled look on his face, cheeks grown pink from drinking all night. “Yo-chan reminded me to… to thank you properly.”

“Thank me, Gakuto-san?” He sat up a little and angled himself properly to face the older man, thighs touching on the small sofa. “I should be the one who thanks you…” he took hold of one of Gakuto’s hands. “Thank you for making a dream of mine come true after so long.” The pair shared a quiet moment, smiling at each other. As Taemin watched the older man, his heartbeat quickened, and his face began to grow hot - there was a question that scalded his tongue; he closed his eyes and sighed, and heard himself ask, “Gakuto-san... have you really... have you never loved anyone else... since Kami passed away?”

Gakuto turned Taemin’s hand in his own, as if contemplating the answer. He smiled, a little sadly. “The truth is, I did try, in the beginning. I threw myself into shallow relationships, and was rather cavalier. I suppose that’s where the Sex God thing came from, and I never denied it. I used it as a shield, an excuse to remain alone. But,” he looked at the young man, eyes honest, and combed the hair from his face. “I refused to let anyone else take up residence in my heart.” He looked the young man up and down, suddenly understanding why he’d asked the question. "I've been a lonely man, these last twenty years. A sort of penance for not being able to say a last goodbye to him." 

"But... that wasn't your fault," Taemin offered. "Why must you punish yourself for something that you didn't have control over?" He shook his head. "To endure such a self-imposed isolation, Gakuto-san... it's... its heartbreaking. I..." he looked into the other man's eyes. "I don't want you to be lonely any more." 

“Taemin,” Gakuto reached out and gently ruffled his hair, “don’t be like me. Don’t... don’t close your heart off for years and years, like I have done. Perhaps my way of grieving... perhaps it hurt me, more than helped me. Are you... are you worried that you’ll suffer, as I have?” He cocked his head, the question shooting an arrow right into the young man’s heart. 

“No!” Taemin answered quickly, surprising himself. “No, Gakuto-san, I’m not... I’m not. You... being like you isn’t something to dread,” he shook his head. “The pain of this loss,” he laid a hand over the older man's heart, “it hurts,” he acknowledged. “But... knowing that I am not alone, it helps.” He took hold of Gakuto’s other hand, and held them tightly. “If I grow into even half the man you are, I would be proud.” 

Gakuto smiled, and pressed on. “Taemin, thank you… thank you for healing me.”

“Healing you, Gakuto-san…?” Taemin felt his heartbeat quicken as the older man looked him in the eye. _How beautiful he is, so close like this…_ “How… how could I possibly begin to heal your heart…?” He shook his head. “I don’t want you to be in such pain, not any more…” Taemin watched as the older man took his hand and slowly brought it to his lips, and kissed the soft skin; his heart felt like it might leap from his mouth.

“Working with you…” Gakuto admitted, slowly, not breaking eye contact with the young man, “working with you has helped begin to mend my shattered heart.” He held Taemin’s hand in his, praying that he had not overstepped. “You have helped me see that it’s alright… to live on.”

Taemin felt something stir inside him then, and he could no longer hold back his feelings. He threw his arms around the older man’s neck. “Gakuto-san…” his voice was small, cautious. “Is this… is this really alright?” He gently pressed their foreheads together. “My heart… my heart keeps pulling me towards you…” Taemin whispered against Gakuto’s lips, breath trembling. “I can’t bring myself to walk away from you…”

“Then… please… don’t turn away from me now…” Gakuto gently kissed Taemin’s soft lips, arms around the young man’s slim frame, holding onto him as though steadying himself. Taemin’s heart felt like it might burst; the feeling of another man’s lips on his made his heart ache, but he sunk into the embrace and held on to Gakuto’s neck as though it were the only thing saving him from drowning. Carefully, hands trembling, he cupped the older man’s face in his hands, and kissed him back.

“Gakuto-san…” he whispered against the other man’s lips, “I…”

“Please,” Gakuto’s voice quaked, “please don’t leave here tonight…” he looked into the young man’s eyes.

“I don’t want to go,” Taemin smiled against his lips. “I don’t want to leave your side… not now…” he gingerly, slowly, climbed into the other man’s lap and wrapped his legs around him on the sofa, collapsing into Gakuto’s frame and burying his head in his neck.

 

In the blackness of the night just beyond their reach, the moon shone down and through the window, its glow gracing their bodies with a blessing.


End file.
